We have all been in situations where we have heard someone say, “you may think your situation is bad, but mine is even worse!” Comparing losses does nothing to help with recovery. To suggest to Griever A that his or her loss is less significant than that of Grievers B only creates more emotional pain for Griever A, in that they may feel the need to further internalize their feelings, since they have been told they are of lesser value. Our focus has always been that grievers are far better served in taking recovery actions, rather than in arguing over who is hurting the most!
At The Grief Recovery Institute, we have often stated that “stress” is another word for “grief.” We define grieve by saying that it’s the result of the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. More simply stated, it is the normal and natural reaction to any change that occurs in life.
| Starting a new job Change in supervisor or manager Loss of job due to layoff Passed over for a promotion Demotion Dismissal from work Change in hours or responsibilities Relocation due to job Change to different line of work Retirement | Marriage Change in frequency of arguments Divorce or breakup Marital separation Marital reconciliation Trouble with in-laws Gain a new family member Child leaving home |
| Death of a spouse Death of a close family member Death of a close friend Death of a pet Death of a not-so-loved one | Change in financial state Spouse starts or stops work Minor/Major mortgage or loan Bankruptcy or Foreclosure Eviction |
| Personal injury or illness Change in health of family member Change in sleeping habits Change in eating habits Pregnancy / Miscarriage Sexual difficulties | Change in living conditions Change in residence Change in schools Change in recreation Change in church activities Change in social activities Change in physical activities |
| Frequency of family reunions or gatherings Vacation or lack of vacation Christmas or other holidays Outstanding personal achievement Begin or end school Revision of personal habits | Minor violation of law Imprisonment Imprisonment of friend or family member |
| Loss of Trust Loss of Approval Loss of Safety Loss of Control of body |
In 1967, Dr. Thomas Holmes and Dr. Richard Rahe, both psychiatrists, researched the medical records of 5000 patients to look at the correlation between their levels of emotional stress and their illnesses. They created the Social Readjustment Rating Scale, also known as the Holmes Rahe Stress Scale, which was used as a scoring mechanism, to rate the various stress indicators as part of their study. This list, commonly known as the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, is considered a definitive “ranking” system.
While it may be helpful in the therapeutic setting to use a numerical ranking scale in looking at stressors related to their impact on medical conditions, this serves no purpose when used in the context of those events that can result in grief. It’s also important to remember that each individual grieves at 100% for their particular loss. There is no need or value to rate one grief-generating event as being more impactful than another since the grief that each person feels is based on his or her own unique situation.
